The Sunset of Lent

Right now, it’s Holy Thursday. This Lenten season has been challenging but I also feel like I haven’t chosen the right things to give up and take on. Or maybe it’s because I’m not as strict about my Lenten promises as I once have been. I’ve broken them multiple times instead of striving to be perfect about it. This wasn’t on purpose, of course. But the way I see it, it’s a reflection of life, is it not? We set out to do something and we try our best, but sometimes our hearts aren’t into it or due to unforeseen circumstances, it just doesn’t work out. The main lessons here are perseverance and discipline, and they go hand in hand. Just because I broke my promise doesn’t mean I just quit the whole thing. If that was the case, I wouldn’t be practicing it now! No. The lesson here is to keep on pace, even if you’ve strayed. We’re only human after all, and we can only put our best into it. The main thing is that we get better as time goes on, and get back on track. It’s never easy to pick yourself back up, but I think God wants us to become stronger so when we follow Him, we have the tools we need to make it through.

Pro-respect

First of all, I’m going to put a disclaimer because I’m not spewing 100% concrete facts. I’m just saying things as I understand them and adding a lot of my opinion. I can be wrong with the facts but I feel very strongly about this subject. I also don’t speak for anyone else or expect anyone to adopt my opinion since I want people to make up their own mind.

So today something really crazy happened. Senator Wendy Davis from Texas tried to do a 13+ hour filibuster to try to prevent lawmakers from voting on an anti-abortion act that would ban abortions of pregnancies over 20 weeks and it would close multiple clinics. She had to keep this going until after midnight in which the vote timeline would pass and the law not be put into effect. The rules were simple: all she had to do was keep on topic and she couldn’t sit or lean on things, and there were no breaks allowed. She was allowed three warnings before the filibuster is dismissed. After over 10 hours, she was speaking about a sonogram but someone had declared that off topic but someone had called for the off topic ruling to be appealed, and so people were debating that. Midnight passes and they can’t vote on the bill anymore, right? WRONG. Somehow, they’ve found a way to “turn back time” and so the vote still happened and the bill passed, with the governor saying that he would sign it.  Now the issue is whether or not the vote happened before or after midnight. There are arguments for both sides, but we’ll just have to see. I’m hearing it passed. I’m hearing it died.

Gosh I really hope it died.

So as a “modern” Catholic, as an acquaintance had put it, I’m quite torn on the subject of abortion and gay marriage. As strong feelings are concerned, there are always conflicts. As a Catholic it’s a constant struggle to reconcile oneself to be of a liberal nature and yet be so tied to the traditional Church. So, my opinions are always twofold, as they will be on Sen. Wendy Davis’ stance.

She is an incredibly brave woman for speaking for so many women who don’t have a voice. So many of those in that Texan Senate are Republican, male, and white. That alone puts women at a disadvantage within a place where differences can be made. To speak for over 13 hours is a feat in itself, especially when it comes to staying on topic, no breaks, and nothing to sit or lean on. Sen. Davis has some of that gumption that is widely admired.

But as for the topic of abortion itself, I have so many issues. First off, I feel like you are forced to be either pro-life or pro-choice. I am both. Yes, it’s possible. I personally feel that babies should be carried out to full term. I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with banning abortions for pregnancies that are 20 weeks and over. At that point, you’re more than halfway there! You might as well have the baby! Of course, I would say that the only exceptions would be for health reasons, and even then as a last resort. If you got pregnant as a mistake, then you need to grow up and deal with your mistake. It could be the best mistake you’ve ever made. If you still feel as if you can’t raise a child, then put him or her up for adoption. I personally feel that if you’re not ready to have children, you aren’t ready to have sex. No matter what, THERE IS ALWAYS A CHANCE. Although there are a few contraceptives that have a prevention rate at the high 90%, it is not 100%. The only 100% way you don’t get pregnant or get someone pregnant is if you don’t have sex. Technically you can still get pregnant without penetration; it just takes one little guy to swim up to that egg and boom! Baby.  I believe that life starts at conception. Meaning, once that bad boy gets to that egg and makes that baby, it’s alive. It grows. It changes. It becomes a person. The miracle that is creating a child is amazing in itself! It’s a mystery of life and it should be sacred. Life is sacred. We shouldn’t be robbing someone of their chance to live a full and happy life. What if they have an illness? What if they won’t have a “normal” life? Sometimes people are put on this earth to teach us a lesson, no matter how long or short they’ve been in our lives. Sometimes we’re meant to teach, and sometimes we’re meant to learn. Everyone deserves a chance to live a life, because we have no idea what the future holds for them. We’re not in control with what miracles happen to or around us so I’m taking the safe bet and letting God do his thing. If we’re meant to struggle, there are always lessons He wants us to learn.

That being said about being pro-life, who are we to hold others back from making their own decisions? If someone just can’t bear with the fact that their soon to be child is a product of a rape, especially an incest one, who am I to stop her from going to the clinic to get it taken care of? What if a loving couple is pregnant and there are complications in which the pregnancy would put the mother’s AND baby’s life in danger, and the only way to save either the mother or the baby was to abort the baby? There are definitely women who get abortions for frivolous and selfish reasons, such as not being ready to be a mother, not wanting a baby, it will get in the way of her dreams, etc. To those women, I would lecture them about either being careful with sex or just to not have it at all. They are the ones who need to take proper responsibility and who SHOULDN’T get abortions. BUT! You also have to understand that NOT ALL WOMEN WHO GET ABORTIONS ARE SLUTS. It seems that because women have sex they are almost automatically labeled as a slut. THAT IS INCORRECT. Our society has been about slut-shaming for a long time and it seems to be a habit that hasn’t been grown out of. Yet, it’s perfectly acceptable for men to have sex with all these women and he is actually given high fives. I don’t care if you have sex. I get grossed out if you have a lot of it with multiple partners (simultaneously or not) in a short period of time. But it’s your body and you will do with it as you please, AS LONG AS YOU’RE WILLING TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES. But the whole point of being pro-choice is NOT being pro-abortion, but instead for women to have the option to do with their bodies as they please. What this bill does is take away that choice that I feel, is up to the individual since it IS her body in question.

I was reading this article, and I think it was church based. It was talking about how society has women fooled into thinking that women’s rights over their bodies automatically equals pro-abortion and pro-contraceptives. Basically what this does is polarize the pro-choice camp into being a whole bunch of sluts who want to have so much sex that they’ll just always kill babies when they have the chance and take a pill that will keep them from being pregnant so they can just have more sex on top of that sex. What it also does is polarize the pro-life camp into being a whole bunch of bible-thumping prudes who will try to hinder the progression of women’s rights who would rather see you abstain until you marry or die. Whichever comes first.  Why does it have to be one or the other? You can be like me, where you don’t like abortion (pro-life) but still respect the person enough to let them have a say in what happens with their bodies (pro-choice).

As a Catholic, I understand that all of God’s children deserve their day in the sun. As a Catholic, I am also not supposed to stand in the way of God’s will if I were to get pregnant unexpectedly or in an unplanned manner. The body is something given to us that we’re supposed to take care of, and that it needs to be respected by everyone, including ourselves. I understand that we are supposed to help guide each other to what is right, especially morally, and especially to those who are morally lacking. I believe and respect all of that. I try to put it into practice every day. But as an individual, I believe that even though this is a body that was given to me, it’s still mine right now, and mine only. I have a say in what goes in and out of it and how it looks. Basically, I still have a choice. If I were to make a mistake, I would have to deal with it. That doesn’t mean that I can’t ask for help, or be consulted, or swayed. No matter what, the decision in the end is and will be MINE ALONE. What I don’t understand is this “ownership” of other people telling me what I can and can’t do with something that doesn’t concern them. These men are trying to govern what women (in Texas) can or can’t do with their bodies. These men have no idea that these clinics are strictly for women’s health and not just for abortions and birth control. These clinics do cancer screenings and preventative care as well. Why do these men, who have no real idea of what it’s like to be a woman, get to dictate options (or take away options) for women? Because they’re trying to take a moral stand? As much as that’s true, the freedom of choice is taken away. Even God gave us free will and a freedom of choice. He is so all powerful and he is basically letting us try to run the show. He has a destination set for us (that he doesn’t always tell you right away) but he gave us the freedom with the choices on the journey.

Bottom line is that I deeply respect Sen. Wendy Davis for standing up for those women who don’t have a voice in an effort to preserve the freedom of choice against these men who are under educated in the matters of women’s health.

It’s late and I’ve just ranted a lot. This may not even make sense, but I hope the point has been made.

This is My Confession

A few days ago, I came across this article on tumblr: http://lifeteen.com/my-side-of-the-confessional-what-is-it-like-for-a-priest/

As the title suggests, this is an article by a priest who sheds some light about his experiences during confession. I was not expecting the kind of impact this article had on me.

Usually when I’m contemplating confession, I always get freaked out. All sorts of anxiety builds up and I psych myself out to both talk myself into and out of going to confession. It’s just so scary.  I’m always afraid that I’ll forget my sins, not say enough, be really stupid and awkward, and if it’s a priest I knew, that he would look at me a bit weird after my confession. Then I would have to make myself feel better, thinking that the priest has probably heard worse, and I can’t possibly be that bad… After confession I don’t always feel that overwhelming sense of relief. I used to think that something was wrong with me, that I didn’t do my confession/penance right. It wasn’t until I asked a trusted friend (who I thought was definitely at a different level in faith than me) if she had always felt that feeling. She said no, and I felt relieved.

I think that’s how I felt the first time I read this article. It gave me a whole new perspective about the process.

I learned that being sorry for my sins is the equivalent to the priest rejoicing for the miracle that someone is trying to be closer to God by letting go of these sins that weigh them down. The priest doesn’t remember my sins so I shouldn’t hold back. Why should he remember that? Fr. Mike says that sins are like garbage and priests are the garbage men. They won’t remember the kinds of stuff they see all the time and once they get used to taking the trash out it’s not noteworthy anymore.

The most important thing that I’ve learned is that this whole time I was making everything about me. How I would feel, about saving face in front of someone I knew, about getting it right with the intent of doing it correctly, not fully committing to the sacrament. With all of these thoughts it was like I was forgetting to mention one of the most important things to the priest: pride. Pride is the hardest sin to forgive, because pride won’t let you break yourself down to ask for forgiveness. It keeps the walls up that stand between you and God. So approaching confession in the way I used to is like only knocking down half of the wall. This isn’t about me, it’s about letting God in during our most vulnerable, so we can be strengthened in His love. Our spiritual garbage for some undying, unconditional love? Sounds like a great deal! Looks like I’m due for a spring cleaning soon.

Although I personally can’t understand why I can’t always “let go and let God”, I feel like things are changing. I’m learning to let myself go to let Him in, whether it’s in a spat with a complicated friendship, or a simple article on an addictive blog site. It’s only February and I see that God has answered my prayers of giving more opportunities to be closer to Him. I guess you can say that my spiritual side is going through a gradual reawakening into a more mature faith. Now with what I’ve learned, I’m ready to take on Lent and continue to prune away the unnecessary, and to gain in strength what I find in weakness and vulnerability.

It’s time to “sacrifice who I am for who I’m meant to be”. As the priest said in the homily on Sunday, we are a people called to become.

Seriously. Seriously?

What would you do if someone you knew was plugged in to most of your outlets, and you only had a small corner basically left to yourself? What if they know about this corner but they don’t know where it is, but they still want to plug into it? What if you know you want this to yourself?

That someone also says it’s insignificant but they’re so intent on plugging in. I don’t get how one can pass this whole thing off as being aloof and still try multiple times to be part of it. To me, that person is taking it just as seriously as they claim me to be. If anything, they’re taking it a lot more seriously because they’re the ones who brought it up! If this wasn’t a big deal, they wouldn’t bring it up in the first place, right?

One thing I’m still working on is holding my ground. I haven’t mastered the art of being firm or assertive, but I’m trying one step at a time. I feel bad I have to practice on this person, but these are life lessons we both need to learn. God puts us in situations to help improve us or help us figure out what kind of person we are. With every opportunity we have a chance to change. I do take this seriously. I’m not even going to deny it. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have kept it secret for a long time. Whereas if I were that person, I wouldn’t pass it off as something so trivial if I wanted so much to be a part of it that I was emotionally affected by it.

So, seriously? Seriously.

Celebrity love

I don’t know what it is about our culture (both Filipino and American), but I feel like we’re very fixated on celebrity. I’m going to admit that I definitely fall into that category as most of my social media outlets are set to follow the famous people I like. The love is mutual, although varying in degrees. For instance, the celebrity loves their fans, but their fans get really obsessed with said celebrities. I like those who are famous and definitely don’t forget where they come from and who they were before they got to where they are. Sandra Bullock is a prime example. Last night she won the People’s Choice award for her Humanitarian service. She dedicated her award to those who “do the real work”, which are the teachers and staff of the high school she’s supporting, and she won’t even keep it with her! The award will sit in the halls of that high school. Now THAT is a celebrity worth all the love she deserves and then some. But because of this imbalanced distribution of affection, the celebrity can do something so minimal (such as acknowledge someone’s existence) and it can make that person’s day.

The reason I say this (besides it being so true), is because last night I tweeted Rachael Leigh Cook of She’s All That, The Babysitter’s Club, and Psych fame, that she still looked flawless after a short snippet during the People’s Choice Award. She in turn responded to me saying, “thank you Melissa, truly; that means a lot to me. I hope you are having a good week xx”. Not only did she address me by NAME (which doesn’t usually happen at all), but she took the time and sounded sincere with a heartfelt response! So really, the celebrity love you get back from them feels like it’s tenfold with a personal response. But as a famous person, you’re faced with so many opinions towards you, that when you find someone who truly does sincerely appreciate you, you can’t help but take that affection to heart and feel validated. Definitely, choose the people you look up to so that they are class acts and positive influences who can reflect your taste in character.

Friendships are crazy

The bond you have with people is always unique with each person. For instance, I have friends I can tell almost anything, friends who understand me more in a spiritual sense, friends who I can joke around with and be lighthearted, friends who help me get stuff done. If you’re one of my really good friends, you have a better idea of who I am because you fall into more than one of those categories. I really don’t understand what makes people bond, especially with those who are so different. What I do love is that certain people can bring out sides of you that you didn’t know you had. My favorite is when two very different people have excellent functioning and deep friendships that you would have never expected.

I’m not a very outwardly affectionate person, but I know that some people bring it out of me a little bit more. When  I see some friends on tv who can be all up on each other’s grill like it’s nothing, I kinda want that too, but I know it’s not exactly who I am. It’s just so much better when you find someone to stick with you through all the glamour and the crap of your personality, and appreciate who you are to them. It’s very idealistic, but isn’t that what best friends are? I’ve never had that one friend who was the best of all the friends I have. I’m the girl who usually has a few different groups of friends, and a handful of people who are “bests”. Lately I feel like there isn’t much middle ground between the bests and just the regular friends, because those who I hang out with more are part of the elite variety.

I know I can always ask for better friends, but the truth is that I don’t need to. The ones I keep in my life right now are the best of what I can have, and the ones I need through my searching years. They root for me and feel my pain and I do the same for them. We bring each other up when we’ve been beaten down, then push each other forward. How can you ask for something better than that? They’re my second family, even if they’re fragmented and scattered. I am blessed.

If it were up to me…

I’ve always said this, but if I could have any talent, I would definitely choose the ability to sing wonderfully. Don’t get me wrong, there are all kinds of amazing talents, but I guess since I have this passion for music, it just goes together. Although learning how to play instruments is definitely on my top talents list, with singing, you can’t really learn it — you’re born with it. You can learn how to break your own barriers and pour yourself into the songs and emote, you can learn how to read notes and understand the technique of music, but the actual raw singing… you can’t really learn it. And really, you can only get better with singing!

That brings me to acapella groups. If i sung well, I’d like to try to be in one, and not because Pitch Perfect is amazing (because it is). Singing acapella is like heavyweight singing. You can’t hide and your pitch and technique have to be perfect. You sing parts of a song that usually go unnoticed. In essence, you become a musical surgeon, and you sound amazing doing it.

I would also use my voice to sing for the church. I didn’t think I could love music more, but once I started getting into praise and worship, it took me to another level. I guess I want to help influence that in other people because it’s done so much good to me. How amazing would it be to touch many people with the mere sound of your voice?

Although I don’t have this talent, I’m definitely appreciative of those who do.

Highs and lows

Today was a trip back to reality since it was my first day of work after being off for 6 days. It felt like it flew by pretty quickly, but such happens when you have fun. As it is every day, I had some highs and lows today.

As you can imagine, my lows included going back to work and being incredibly busy. I usually have a bit of downtime to do whatever, but I worked pretty much throughout the day with only a few breaks to check on my social media sites. Having no break isn’t the best, but at least it made the day go by a little faster. Another low was when we were finally getting the Warriors tickets for this Friday and since the price went up, about half of the party basically dropped out. It went from 9 people to 5, but that’s ok. I get to go with some friends. My parents don’t know I’m going yet and they will surely freak out a little since it’s at Oakland, but we’ll see how they’ll take it. It should be fine.

Conversely, I had some pretty good highs today. Let’s just say it really is the simple things in life that really make me smile. Today I put up my new calendar for the year, which a calendar of The Legend of Zelda, so naturally I’m pretty excited for that. Also, I went through some of my old mixes in my car and stumbled upon this 80’s mix that I called “Random Dancy 80’s”. It had the song “Red Red Wine” by UB-40. That song always makes me happy, and I was sure to post it up on The Wire Box.

I know that so much happens in a day. I know that 4 things isn’t enough to fully describe a whole day in the life, but I do know that where ever there are highs, there are lows, and vice versa. There can’t be light without shade. But I think when you start looking at your highs and notice that even the simplest things make you smile, it’s a good reflection of where you are on the happiness scale.

Sound trips

Lately, I’ve been listening to more of my older music than usual. I can’t say that it takes me to a place when i felt younger, but it definitely transports me to the times when I was really into it. I guess that’s why a lot of people in the Philippines call it “sound tripping” while we just simply say it’s “throwback” or we’re just “reminiscing”. Music has this mysterious power to change the way you feel, to help you imagine that you’re a bad ass or a vulnerable person, to inspire, to help create, to spread a message. Music is just a vehicle for many different things, some you didn’t even know you wanted or needed. Sometimes it’s just the perfect companion that lets you have it in the forefront or the background and it doesn’t complain, because you’re always listening. I love that it moves you and puts into sound what you are feeling. How could you not go on a journey with any given song?

I just love music so much. It’s universal.

I may not be an audiophile or as well versed in music as others, but I don’t regret spending a lot of my life in the presence of any series of combinations of notes. I go on many journeys with the press of a play button, and I’m definitely contented every time.

Archery has it’s own lessons

Yesterday as I was getting in some target practice, I was overhearing the beginning group getting their first instruction. They were at the line, shooting their first arrows and the teacher was saying something about how the main goal in archery is consistency. It doesn’t matter if you get a good shot — it matters if you can reproduce that good shot over and over again. How do you do that? You go through the proper technique, you keep shooting, and you learn from your previous shots. Say you shoot 3 arrows and they all lean to the left  and are way higher than the target. What do you do? You aim lower and to the right. How much is really up to whatever you gather from your previous shots. Then you try again with the same motions, same technique, and just try to keep it going if it’s good. Readjust and try again if it isn’t.

I thought about how that’s how life is supposed to be lived. Be consistent. Be exactly who you are at all times. If something didn’t go very well, adjust and try again, but keep your foundations and values in mind with each shot you take at something. Don’t lose sight of your target, but remember that not hitting the target isn’t always bad because you learn something about how you do things and how you can improve next time.

Sometimes it’s harder to put into practice what you know you’re supposed to do. It’s so much easier said than done, and even if it’s done, it’s not executed as smoothly. But i guess that’s where you try and try again. Why not? You can only improve, right?